( Nov. 2nd, 2012 02:25 pm)
So. I finished my paper in a record 2 hours right before the deadline. This coming week is reading week, thank goodness, so I'll get something of a break. Trip to Brighton tomorrow, which I had purchased and forgotten about. Day trip, should be nice hopefully. I have a headache today and really am terrible at going to tutorials, but I'm doing a bunch better than I was on Wednesday, so that's good.

Registered for classes for next semester. Filling some general education requirements, which will suck (A physics and a statistics class, as well as another bioanth class-- augh science. We are not on the best of terms.). Hopefully the other two anth classes will make up for it. It's a really bad time to start doubting my major. So we're not going to do that okay?

I've come to recognize one of the problems in my thinking. The problem is that I feel guilty all the time that I should be doing something else/more productive/better/faster/ whatever. Even when there's really nothing that needs doing. So when I do actually have something to feel guilty about, it's nothing new and it's like... I've become immune to it? Except that I end up feeling like shit all the time and don't have motivation to do anything because I'll feel guilty if I do it and guilty if I don't.

Thought experiment time: not being so hard on myself. This is so incredibly not a new concept, but sometimes I need reminding. 
( Oct. 31st, 2012 10:29 pm)
Accidentally stopped being able to function.

So Wednesday is my day off and it's the day I normally catch up on homework. Today needed to be so even more because I have a paper due tomorrow. Except somehow there is this massive pile of stress that just... overwhelmed me. So I ended up sitting at my computer not doing anything for about 2 hours after I woke up. Then I skyped my mother in tears because:

a) Too much laundry to do and the machines are never open.
b) Out of clothes and sanitary napkins.
c) Haven't written paper.
d) Tired. Not sleeping well at all.
e) Sad. Wanting it to be the holidays. Missing home.
f) My halloween cupcakes turned out not to be chocolate and they're actually fruit flavoured. I can't find good plain chocolate baked goods like at home and basically I miss all the food from home especially pizza and pasta.

I have never felt this homesick in my life and it's such a conflicted homesick because I wake up in the middle of the night and think I'm in my bedroom in Sweden sometimes, but at other times I just want to be in the US. I miss my friends so much, two of whom I haven't heard from since Hurricane Sandy made landfall. I know they're probably fine (other people on campus are) but I just am having a lot of trouble. 

My mom's prescription for this was to get online and book me a night at a hotel a little ways off campus. See if they do laundry, she said. Order a pizza online. Stop by the store on the way and pick up essentials (I got pads, diet coke, bread and butter). It's the same hotel we stayed at when we were first in London and they have these huge ice cream sundae things. I might order one yet. I wonder how late the restaurant is open.

No laundry service, but there's a laundry place down the street so I might go there in the morning. Just haven't had the focus to write my paper yet, but I still have eleven and a half hours. I still feel pretty badly, but I brought my Avengers dvd and have a huge soft bed so surely I can cheer myself up, right?
( Oct. 28th, 2012 02:48 pm)
Comic con: Not as awesome as I wanted it to be. A severe lack of panels/booths/cosplayers for anything I was interested in. Saturday was more fun as I roamed around with a few friends and I bought three (overpriced but whatever) t-shirts and two key chains. 

This past week I did absolutely zero school work and didn't manage to make it to more than half of my classes. I'm determined this week to do better. I have a paper due on Thursday so I have to get down to work on that. Aside from that, there's a reading week after this coming week. Probably I will end up doing as little as possible to get by, intending to do it all during reading week. Then I won't do it during reading week and will have to do it all last minute.


Also, I'm not allowed to apply for any more freelance jobs. My motivation is bad enough regarding school work, it isn't fair to people that hire me to have their deadlines blown off. It's doubly not good of me to do that work instead of school work.

Trying to get things in order. Wish me luck?
( Oct. 24th, 2012 01:32 pm)
If you're beginning to notice a trend in my posts (good, bad, good, bad, good, bad) this is just to say you aren't the only one.

Week before comicon and I've gotten sick. Like, I've missed classes, haven't done any of the readings this week, behind on two jobs and my biggest accomplishment so far today has been to go out and find something to eat for lunch. Of course I don't want to eat it now, but that's beside the point.

I'm hoping if I chill out, take some more meds, try not to do anything strenuous until about 3pm, I can start to tackle the important stuff. Like work. And readings for tomorrow. Showering and laundry would also be good, but I'm not sure I should be that ambitious. 
Today I:
  • Went to my lecture and my tutorial, having done the readings and the written assignment.
  • Actually spoke up in the discussion
  • Woke up early and finished a transcription job
  • Applied for other freelance work
  • Worked steadily on a project that's due in a few days
  • Didn't take a nap
  • Confirmed another job and organized my freelance work in a notebook so I can keep track of it.
For reward time I'm going to roleplay and watch the new Supernatural. Then if I feel up to it, I'll tackle tomorrow's written assignment and some more freelance things. Guys, having my life together is actually pretty awesome. I would like some more of this feeling, please.
( Oct. 15th, 2012 07:42 am)
Guys, I'm afraid I was a little too ambitious when I took on this last job. About 5000 words left of product descriptions to write by tomorrow. D: On the one hand: OH MY GOD I CAN'T DO IT.

On the other hand: I HAVE TO DO IT.

I am a mix of terrified and determined.
( Oct. 8th, 2012 09:01 pm)
I do not like this "Being a Real Person" nonsense.

I have to call the bank in the states tomorrow and make sure they have my correct information, find out why I can't access my banking online and make sure that I have money in checking.

Which means I have to go to the phone store tomorrow to top up my card, figure out why I can't send text messages or access the internet on my phone (which I am supposed to be able to do). 

Must also send post cards and when the bank is all sorted, pay for my housing and buy health insurance, Comicon tickets, and any in-Europe travel I want to do. Need to figure out when I can go home after the semester ends and sort out spring and summer jobs/internships.

( Oct. 7th, 2012 11:52 am)
Being super organized and productive. Gonna have to start finding the balance between school and enjoying London. The odd bit is that right now is that the balance is almost entirely in favour of school, even though I've been told time and time again that it really doesn't matter what grades I get here, so long as I don't fail.

Still though, this is the first time that I've had classes were I can actively and consciously say "Oh yes, I know what theory they are talking about, as I learned about that in my (fill in the blank) class. It feels like I'm not just taking introductory courses over and over again, where every time they teach you what the scientific method is.

Part of my not taking advantage of London bit is due to my ankle. Right now I can't walk very much without it hurting quite badly, so that means no museums or markets. Not sure what else to do. 
( Oct. 3rd, 2012 10:29 am)
Bad news: 
  • Mood swings, depression, sleeping badly, anxiety, lethargy
  • I did not put on the department's mailing list and missed all of the Anth orientation, instructions, and tours last week.
  • I could seriously use a bit more spending money. Not being able to buy lunch every day is a bummer.
  • Approximately 500000 years worth of reading and I've only gone to 2 of the 4 classes I want to take.
Good news:
  • Approximately 500000 years worth of fascinating reading in classes that I'm really interested in and are relevant to my focus.
  • Department head and affiliate tutor were apologetic and helped me get things sorted yesterday.
  • Went to Sci Fi and Fantasy Society's pub crawl and made two good friends, several acquaintances. 
  • The two friends live in my residence hall and are big fandom and tumblr peeps.
  • Laser Tag Society is hosting a game tonight. What more needs to be said?
( Sep. 26th, 2012 04:04 pm)
Well, my birthday went a billion times better than expected. A nice person from tumblr said I could contact her if I needed someone to have tea with, but I left that too late and felt bad asking the day of. However, a friend of some friends of mine back at my home university introduced me to another girl, and that girl invited a guy and his roommate, and then another interesting person tagged along, so all in all there were six of us that wandered up Oxford Street, then came back to campus to buy alcohol and sit in the basement and chat. They kept saying they wished that they had known and could do something better for my birthday, but that was more than good enough for me. I left when they started their second rounds and things began to get a bit rowdy, taking my spare diet coke and peanut m&ms upstairs to relax for the evening.

Birthday: Success.

Generally, London has been a success. I'm annoyed that classes don't start until October first and frustrated that I can't confirm which ones I want to take until October 5th. It's a good idea on principle, but I'm going out of my mind not having any type of structure. The room I'm in is nice, kind of a perfect size. At first it was at that 'a little messy, but that makes it homey' stage and now it's kind of overwhelmed with laundry and trash and fliers and things. I'm really wavering between being okay, loving where I'm at, and having panic attacks and not being able to get out of bed. It's been... an adventure.

The comment theotherdibbler (I think it was you) made forever ago about meeting people in dining halls makes way more sense here. At my home university there aren't really set meal times and the tables all accommodate 2-6 people, so everyone just breaks off into groups. Here though, it's just a bunch of long tables, so strangers sit by strangers all the time. Good in the evening when I want to be social, bad in the morning when I just want to be left alone. 

Posted on the sherlockbbc community about how I'm in London and hoping to do a tour of Sherlock things, hoping to meet up with some people. Fingers crossed someone responds who's able to meet me!
( Sep. 15th, 2012 04:49 pm)
So you probably won't be surprised at all to hear that I'm feeling really anxious. I can't quite call it stressed, because I know everything is taken care of, but I can feel this ball of nerves and anxiety churning in my gut. I know I'll sleep badly for at least the next few days and have hit that point where I just don't know what to do now. Normally I make myself forget something is happening and ignore it until last minute, if I can, but that tactic's not working.

Two suitcases are packed and the third is waiting on laundry. Because we're taking some tiny airline that makes it's own rules, baggage restrictions are much stricter and it will be a miracle if I can get everything to London without having to ditch something like bedding or towels to buy there. I'm already buying pillows. Dad actually has a conference over there, so he's flying out tomorrow morning. Mom and I are going Monday night. Orientation starts on Wednesday, so we're going to chill and do fancy teas, and hopefully relax/move me into the dorm. 

For all that I get overwhelmed by how involved my parents seemt to be in my life, I've reached that point where I've lost some of my confidence that I can do things without them. Everything seems so overwhelming and, even with my medication fully stocked and regularly taken, sometimes I look at what needs doing and just feel paralyzed. 

I'm having nervous thoughts about my birthday again. I'll have had just under a week to meet people who might want to do something with me. I'd rather not spend the day/night alone, but it is in the middle of the week. Should I just mention casually, "Hey, we should hang out because it's my birthday Tuesday?" Nerves, nerves, nerves. On the plus side AVENGERS. I've had to resist buying it here since I don't have a dvd player that will play this region.

Wish me luck everyone?
( Sep. 9th, 2012 02:05 pm)

I rode to the beach today. I brought a picnic blanket and sat on the sand, munching on grapes.

I watched the birds, and the people: young couples, families, children, pets. 

I have never felt more alone.

Do you ever have a time in your life where the circumstances say you ought to be happy, you shouldn't complain, anyone else would enjoy this. And you can't?

( Sep. 3rd, 2012 10:32 am)
A lot has happened recently. We had a housewarming for the apartment on Friday night, which went extraordinarily well. We invited a bunch of people from dad's work and their spouses. It was really interesting because of the international aspect. There was one local Swede who came, but the rest were ex-pats, hailing from the UK, Finland, Australia, Germany, Israel, the US, etc. I had some very interesting conversations and it was nice to be social (as I've still not made any local friends).

Bad news: I didn't fill out my FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) in January and neither did my parents. Which means I've been awarded absolutely zero dollars from the school and owe $10,000 for tuition right now, not even to mention whatever room and board is going to cost in London. My parents are sharing the blame (I needed tax info and we were all distracted around then) but I feel horribly guilty and they're trying to get last minute loans to cover everything. It's just kind of a nightmare.

I closed one of my two US bank accounts last time we were in the states and got a cashier's check for the balance, assuming that I would open an account here when I was granted a person number. This plan went wrong for two reasons: they don't use checks here, and my mother misplaced the check (I gave it to her for safe keeping). So there go all my savings, assuming she doesn't find it, which she swears she will.

On top of this, I have enough anti-depressants to cover less than the next week and no health insurance. D: Someone on one of the forums mom goes to said that as long as they are residents and have person numbers, I should be fine visiting a doctor here. As my residency has not gone through because the relocation people didn't fill out the paperwork (they thought it would be illegal because I would be "registered" in the US and Sweden at the same time? Which is not really a thing), I'm uninsured and kind of without an address and it's all very weird and awkward.

Depression hasn't been very good lately. Mood swings, lethargy... I'm having trouble being motivated to even just get up and get dressed during the day. I know it will get better in London, just having something to get up for will be helpful, but in the meantime I'm having trouble. I leave for London September 17th (my sister's birthday, actually). Everyone I know has started classes already and I miss my friends from school terribly. 

Watched a load of HIMYM last night. Somehting that Robin said stuck in my mind as she was talking to Kevin, about why does she try so hard to find reasons to be unhappy. Sometimes I think I'm the same way, and then at other times I'm reminded of a quote I found recently about depression (stolen from tumblr): depression is like trying to peel a potato with another potato its not fun it doesnt work and you just wanna cry.
( Aug. 13th, 2012 10:28 am)
In a fit of "I don't know what I'm doing with myself today" I decided to revisit my list of things I wanted to get done before the move and what I hoped to do this summer. Here goes:

Finish coordinating with people I need to see before I go and see those people. 
Finish pricing things for the yard sale.

Put audio books onto mp3 player-- Hah. I'm rubbish at keeping my mp3 player updated.
Contact the bank/move more money into checking. -- nope. Hope I haven't overdrawn that account.

Read Game of Thrones -- I started the first book, but am having trouble getting into it.
Read LOTR --not even close.
Start training for bike tour across Sweden and Denmark -- I've ridden my bike? Does that count?
Buy bike tour books/maps/necessary supplies -- buying things is about as close as I've gotten.

Pick out new recipes to start. -nope
Create daily schedule. -nope
Get everyone's addresses, so that I can send mail. -nope
Work on actually writing, not just role playing. -nope (HA AHAH OH MAN. Yeah right.)
Cut back on internet time. -nope
Update LJ more regularly. -nope


That went well, wouldn't you say? I have to say some of those were really ambitious. I think I'll send out emails to get addresses today. I owe my old boss and Catherine post cards at least. Not sure what else I'm up for. Went biking with dad on Saturday, which was lovely, but after that I slept for nearly 36 hours. >.> Trying to stay up today until a normal time. 10:30am... I'm doing okay so far?

( Aug. 10th, 2012 03:36 pm)
It's been a while since I've updated last. When you last heard from me, Rae was coming into town. We had a spectacular time, did touristy things, watched all of Teen Wolf-- which is fabulous despite it's MTV origins-- visited Copenhagen and Helsingor, and basically ran around having a spectacular time.

About five days after Rae left, my mother and I embarked to the states. A friend of my mom's was getting married. After an extraordinarily long trip (Copenhagen to Amsterdam to Cincinnati) we stayed the night at my grandparent's. They loaned us a car and we drove down to Tennessee, stayed a few days in a hotel, slept over at a friend's house, then tried to go to the wedding. It was being held 40 minutes (according to the gps) from our hotel, but it took us three hours to make 75% of that, so we ended up going to just the reception.

The trip was generally good, but I think mom and I are almost to that point of driving one another mad again. Benefits of this trip included 5 dresses (in our search for something to wear to the wedding) for under $100 (my mother picked up the bill), a cute lunch box, Sims 3 for pc, a used nintendo DS and Sims 2 for it bought with money from trading in some cds, a used copy of the film A Single Man, an Avengers colouring/activity book that has temporary tattoos in it, an Avengers travel cup and mug, and "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" which I picked up at Target for 5 dollars, has 39 black and white episodes, as will as 4 films and a total of over 24 hours of run time.

Despite all of this stuff (which I am using and enjoying, I assure you), I've been pretty down lately. We got back from the wedding trip three days ago and I just feel... kind of empty. Like I know I could spend all of my time writing, biking, learning chemistry out of the textbooks I got from the library, or studying something else, but I find all I have the energy for is a bit of roleplay and some video games. I'm not sleeping well, I'm having more headaches, and I still have no one to hang out with. It sucks. I can't wait for mid-September, where I'll be in London and at least have a better chance of meeting people and doing things. Even just having classes to focus on would be nice.
( Jul. 10th, 2012 07:00 pm)
Rae is coming to visit me! Rae is coming to visit me! She'll be here in six days, hooray! I'm so excited.

In other news, our things arrived and we are mostly unpacked. But also apartment hunting tomorrow. We gave notice on this apartment because of the nightclub next door so... I don't know. I still want to stay.

I've been really really horribly lonely lately, which makes it kind of awkward that in the face of upcoming social engagements, I just want to curl in my room and hide. We're going to visit a colleague of my father's tonight. My dad also gave another colleague of his my phone number so that his daughter, who is my age, could call. Thankfully, she sent me a text rather than calling outright. She wants to have coffee. She's a native Swede and I don't know anything about her but her age and I haven't responded to the text yet.

I also made a soulmate friend through omegle/tumblr, who is an Anthropology major, going to an American University and living outside of America this summer. We're going to actually start roleplaying habitually and she asked if I wanted to cosplay fem!Sherlock to her fem!John. Hell yes I do.

In related news, that's spurred me on to take my health more seriously. Since I have nothing to do, there's no reason I can't go bicycling or walking for two hours a day and get some other cardio in. And of course, because I'm me, I told my mother that I was going to step up trying to lose weight again. I should really never do that. She doesn't quite know how to be encouraging. (I also learned today, fiddling around with a bmi calculator that when I was in middle school and she said I was overweight, my bmi was actually healthy. Now it's not, but still. *shakes fist*)

OH and did I mention Rae is coming?
( Jun. 21st, 2012 06:00 pm)
As some of you may have seen, we're probably not moving again. Hopefully. The big issues have been the noise (which we're assured will be limited to Friday and Saturday from now on, and our landlord speaks with the club's owner every week) and the light. Two days from now is Midsummer and the sun won't set. At all. We've got lots of windows and the shades don't do much, so we're investigating other ways to cover them.

Here's a video our relocation expert sent us about Swedish Midsummer, called Swedish Midsummer for Dummies. Video here. It's rather amusing. :) Not sure what the family will do, as we're not much for drinking and dancing.

Today we did a bit more exploring. Yesterday on my way to find a pet store (an adventure that was unsuccessful) I wandered by a park and saw a person around my age walking a very cute little dog. Today I went by there at the same time today with our dogs, and almost made friends with her! She said something to me in Swedish as we were waiting for the light to change. I said "I'm sorry?" and she said "Nevermind."  :/ Talk to meeeeee. Might go by tomorrow to see if she's there again. If that doesn't sound to stalkerish.

I bought necessary supplies to bring the geeks to me. I found a book shop at which I purchased Sherlock with Swedish (Danish, Finnish, Icelandic, etc) subtitles for a bit over ten dollars and the latest RDJ Sherlock movie as well. I got an over the Dalek messenger bag and tomorrow I plan to sit somewhere, with my bag beside me, playing Sherlock on dvd and crocheting something. If nobody talks to me then, I'll be a bit disappointed (or maybe relieved, as I am an introvert). I bought the bag at The English Shop, a few streets away, and the cashier said the other woman who works there is a big Doctor Who fan, knows all of the shows and the people around that like it, etc. So I'll stop in there again sometimes. :) Today went pretty well all in all!
( Jun. 20th, 2012 01:50 pm)
There's a club next door. 

They were rented out for a private party last night. Though I slept fine, with some ear plugs in, my parents can't handle it so we're going to try and find a different apartment.

A different. 


And we have to give 3 month notice, so all of our things will be here and we'll have to move. All. Over. Again.

Not much new to say, but I did make another video. This one's mostly me rambling. Some interesting footage.

Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Xd8CCxlf7YM
( Jun. 17th, 2012 12:03 am)
Internet access is spotty, but we have our apartment and phones. Stressful couple of days and it might not get better, but at least I have a bed and things. I have The Hounds of the D'urbervilles and Game of Thrones on my bookshelf to read and a whole city to explore. Still waiting on most of our things.

I made a video, if you want to check out how day one went. I'm going to keep a sort of video diary. Find the link below. :D

Sweden: Day One!




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