( Nov. 24th, 2012 03:53 pm)
Last post I said something about not doubting my major. I'm withdrawing that statement. I've become annoyed and bored with anthropology, tired of studying it and not being able to see why a lot of the subjects we cover matter or what the point of it all is. I miss   English papers. I have no doubt that having such an anthropological background will better inform my work as an English major. This decision has made doing work in my current classes even more difficult and I feel as though I'm constantly struggling.

This struggle is hindered by a deterioration of my general mental well being. Every other day I feel like I'm a small mistake away from a total meltdown. It's exhausting. It's detrimental to my productivity and I am really just sick of feeling badly all the time and hating social interaction. Trying some vitamin supplements that supposedly help with mood swings and trying to take care of myself, but it's difficult when a lot of days I don't want to do anything but sleep, and the thought of doing something makes me cry. On top of this, I have less money available for the rest of the term than I feel comfortable with. Finding energy for school work and freelance jobs is really difficult.

It's not all bad. I've been roleplaying via email with a girl who likes to chat and has been really supportive and helpful in our daily interactions. My parents and two friends are coming to visit next weekend. Today I'm in Cambridge (I paid for a day trip ages back and totally did not want to come. However, here I am. I've holed up in a couple of different cafes and worked on school work, so the day isn't a waste. I've definitely been more productive than I would have been if I stayed home.). I can't wait until the Christmas holidays.
( Oct. 31st, 2012 10:29 pm)
Accidentally stopped being able to function.

So Wednesday is my day off and it's the day I normally catch up on homework. Today needed to be so even more because I have a paper due tomorrow. Except somehow there is this massive pile of stress that just... overwhelmed me. So I ended up sitting at my computer not doing anything for about 2 hours after I woke up. Then I skyped my mother in tears because:

a) Too much laundry to do and the machines are never open.
b) Out of clothes and sanitary napkins.
c) Haven't written paper.
d) Tired. Not sleeping well at all.
e) Sad. Wanting it to be the holidays. Missing home.
f) My halloween cupcakes turned out not to be chocolate and they're actually fruit flavoured. I can't find good plain chocolate baked goods like at home and basically I miss all the food from home especially pizza and pasta.

I have never felt this homesick in my life and it's such a conflicted homesick because I wake up in the middle of the night and think I'm in my bedroom in Sweden sometimes, but at other times I just want to be in the US. I miss my friends so much, two of whom I haven't heard from since Hurricane Sandy made landfall. I know they're probably fine (other people on campus are) but I just am having a lot of trouble. 

My mom's prescription for this was to get online and book me a night at a hotel a little ways off campus. See if they do laundry, she said. Order a pizza online. Stop by the store on the way and pick up essentials (I got pads, diet coke, bread and butter). It's the same hotel we stayed at when we were first in London and they have these huge ice cream sundae things. I might order one yet. I wonder how late the restaurant is open.

No laundry service, but there's a laundry place down the street so I might go there in the morning. Just haven't had the focus to write my paper yet, but I still have eleven and a half hours. I still feel pretty badly, but I brought my Avengers dvd and have a huge soft bed so surely I can cheer myself up, right?
( Sep. 3rd, 2012 10:32 am)
A lot has happened recently. We had a housewarming for the apartment on Friday night, which went extraordinarily well. We invited a bunch of people from dad's work and their spouses. It was really interesting because of the international aspect. There was one local Swede who came, but the rest were ex-pats, hailing from the UK, Finland, Australia, Germany, Israel, the US, etc. I had some very interesting conversations and it was nice to be social (as I've still not made any local friends).

Bad news: I didn't fill out my FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) in January and neither did my parents. Which means I've been awarded absolutely zero dollars from the school and owe $10,000 for tuition right now, not even to mention whatever room and board is going to cost in London. My parents are sharing the blame (I needed tax info and we were all distracted around then) but I feel horribly guilty and they're trying to get last minute loans to cover everything. It's just kind of a nightmare.

I closed one of my two US bank accounts last time we were in the states and got a cashier's check for the balance, assuming that I would open an account here when I was granted a person number. This plan went wrong for two reasons: they don't use checks here, and my mother misplaced the check (I gave it to her for safe keeping). So there go all my savings, assuming she doesn't find it, which she swears she will.

On top of this, I have enough anti-depressants to cover less than the next week and no health insurance. D: Someone on one of the forums mom goes to said that as long as they are residents and have person numbers, I should be fine visiting a doctor here. As my residency has not gone through because the relocation people didn't fill out the paperwork (they thought it would be illegal because I would be "registered" in the US and Sweden at the same time? Which is not really a thing), I'm uninsured and kind of without an address and it's all very weird and awkward.

Depression hasn't been very good lately. Mood swings, lethargy... I'm having trouble being motivated to even just get up and get dressed during the day. I know it will get better in London, just having something to get up for will be helpful, but in the meantime I'm having trouble. I leave for London September 17th (my sister's birthday, actually). Everyone I know has started classes already and I miss my friends from school terribly. 

Watched a load of HIMYM last night. Somehting that Robin said stuck in my mind as she was talking to Kevin, about why does she try so hard to find reasons to be unhappy. Sometimes I think I'm the same way, and then at other times I'm reminded of a quote I found recently about depression (stolen from tumblr): depression is like trying to peel a potato with another potato its not fun it doesnt work and you just wanna cry.




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