( Mar. 22nd, 2012 10:49 am)
I'm going to see the school psychiatrist on Monday and, given how yesterday went, I'm wondering if I should have made that appointment sooner.

Yesterday was bad. It was "I can't stop crying, I don't know what's wrong with me, I've skipped all of my classes and called in sick to work" bad. I don't know what triggered it, but I felt overwhelmed by the thought of leaving my room, couldn't garner the motivation to do the things that I needed to do and I was overwhelmingly upset. It was scary how bad it was, especially because I don't know what triggered it.

My friends were lovely and kind and supportive. I could tell they were all really concerned about me. I'm concerned to. I don't know what happened. Today is better, but not back to my usual yet. I've been sleeping terribly and I'm going to try and grab a nap before my next class instead of doing the homework I ought to do. If I'm better rested maybe things will be easier. I'm so glad that I don't have class tomorrow and it'll be the weekend. That will hopefully give me time to pull myself together
( Nov. 24th, 2011 10:43 pm)
Thanksgiving day: spent going to see the Muppet movie with my father, cooking ham and corn casserole in Becca's oven, playing Big Boggle, eating ham, pie, stuffing, casserole, rolls, brownies and more pie. We also watched X-Men First Class and I read an obscene amount of fic because I have all of Mohinder's bookmarks back.

I was feeling down this afternoon, but right now I'm feeling really pumped. Something akin to the last bit of this comic. Have a plan, gonna email some people tonight, set up a meeting with Catherine, make a list of school work I'd like to start tackling tomorrow, planning out a paper and considering the fact that I could probably not drop my class and succeed in life anyway. I want to just to spite that jerkwad advisor.

I'm psyched right now. I'm going to take care of things and get things done. I have three blissful days before I have class again, and it's going to be fine. It's all going to be fine. There are only three weeks of classes left at any rate. I have a lot of ground to cover for anthropology but I am going to succeed. It's going to work out.
( Nov. 12th, 2011 12:20 pm)
On the bus, heading home for a few days. I'm actually doing pretty okay. She's lived longer than we were expecting her to and I'm starting to think maybe this was just a scare that nothing will come of. In any case, I'll be home until Thursday (missing a bunch of classes, which is stressful, but I was reminded firmly by Catherine that "family and health come first." Which, I will admit, is not always how I prioritize my life.

Anywho, the bus actually has working wi-fi which is exciting. It left about 2 hours late, which is not, but hey. Last minute $27 bus ride home wins convenience and cheapness prizes.

I registered for classes on Friday and didn't quite get all the ones I wanted, but it should be an interesting line up next semester. I have: Language & Culture in Society, Evolution of the Primate Life History (another science!anth class I need for credit), Gender and Literature, Anthropology of Gender: A Cross Cultural Perspective, and German (with the same teacher I have this semester, so I know she's good!)

Also on Friday I went to the neurologist. I was pretty nervous that she would tell me there was nothing that could be done, but she was really proactive and took me seriously. She agreed that it doesn't sound like I have chronic migraines, but chronic headaches which have an entirely different course of treatment than what I've tried.

She ordered an MRI for next Friday-- after so many people told us that a CT-scan sees the same thing, which is not true-- and gave me a prescription for a round of steroids that will hopefully help break the cycle. She listed a bunch of things to try if those don't work and was generally very positive and understanding. I'm so, so, so grateful.

It was also funny because she described all of the potential side effects of the steroids, beginning with:

"It could make you crazy. Hyper crazy, with too much energy and nothing to do with it."

Me: "Oh, okay. Not like crazy crazy."

Her: "Well, you could have hallucinations. Some people do."

Me: O.o oh.

So we'll see how that goes. I'm supposed to take 60mg for 5 days, then 50 the next, 40 the day after, etc. This is day one. I felt anxious and crazy this morning, but that was potentially just anxiety about getting to the bus station.

In other news, I haven't been noveling (for obvious reasons) but I'm trying to catch up because it's such a good distraction and I enjoy it. I've already written 2000 words so far today and am shooting for another 5 or 6 thousand. Since I have nothing else to do on the bus. (*ignores textbooks*)

Anyway, hope you're all doing well.
( Oct. 23rd, 2011 01:27 pm)
Not to be a Debbie Downer--- but seriously. 

Though I've been getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night, I am still exhausted every day-- must remember to get multivitamins at some point today got multivitamins, maybe my iron is low again?-- and on Friday I had a moment of what my mother says sounds like sleep deprivation. I had plans for going home, doing laundry, eating, and making apple chips. When I got there my roommate was loudly skyping a friend and doing dishes so I just- left.

I went to the plaza in the middle of campus and sat down on a bench in the semi-cold, sort of stunned and unable to think. I was sad and lonely and emotional and unable to process things. I texted a few people to see if I could go hide with anyone and eventually a friend called me, talked me through getting dinner, and then rescued me, taking me to her dorm and then along with her to Midsummer rehearsals. It was just-- weird.

I'm going to try to make an appointment for student health to see if they can give me a sleep aid, because I just can't function well anymore and I desperately need to be able to. I have a paper due tomorrow, an extra shift at the library, and paper-work like things to sort out, including declaring my major and talking to the study abroad people. I still wanna do NaNoWriMo (as I found three other people on campus who are doing it; three people I know and like!) but the state I'm in, I just can't.

Going to see Othello tonight (which should be good, assuming I can make it through awake). Goals for today: write paper, nap, get to play. Wish me luck, guys?

Also, my shoulders are so tense right now, omg. I can hear Grace yelling at me. Speaking of, I need to email her too. Auuuugh.
( Oct. 21st, 2011 08:51 am)
I made a list (and it's Friday) so I'm feeling slightly less overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of things I have to do for school. Still have papers and exams to worry about, but I'm doing my best to take a legitimate break right now (not just one where I worry about how much I have to do, procrastinate and stress until my 'break' is over).

I checked my mail yesterday and it was full of wonderful things! :D The first was a birthday gift from Rae-la, consisting of a wonderful letter and a handmade necklace. The charm on the necklace is made from a scrabble tile base and the other side says "Keep Calm And Make Things". This is the most thoughtful gift I've ever received and I can't wait until I can thank her in person!

SECONDLY, I received my ticket to the Quidditch World Cup 2011 Championships in NYC. Unfortunately, due to how monstrously busy I am, I've decided I can't afford to make a day trip out to NYC this fall. Which means I am looking for anyone, who knows anyone, who knows anyone who might like a free ticket to the championships.

The date is for November 12th and I will mail it to anyone who wants it-- if you can spread the word or ask around, I would be very grateful. Someone should get to go, even if I can't!

Finally, a health update: my head hurts (surprise!). I was supposed to go to the neurologist yesterday, but the information the insurance people gave me was false and my referral from the ER did not count as a referral (for some reason, augh, idk). This led to me trying to get my primary care physician to fax one over, and her people demanding to know if the doctor was in network with my insurance (idk!). So, in summary, I had to reschedule, have to sort all of that out, and might not get to see anyone until December 1st. D:

In the mean time my new therapist gave me stuff to read! And had Ender's Game and Middlesex on his bookshelf. So hopefully we will get along pretty well.


( Oct. 12th, 2011 09:15 pm)
Since we last met, I failed a German quiz, got a 103% on an Irish Literature test and totally failed at taking yoga seriously at all. I like, to some degree, the physicality of it, but the spiritual bits are just not my cup of tea. I called my insurance and am going to call the neurologist tomorrow. I spoke with my Shakespeare professor who suggested that if my headaches continue to make it difficult to concentrate that I contact Disability Student Services (DSS). They can approve me for extensions, someone to take notes for me, and more time for exams. I don't feel that I'm quite to that level (I've convinced myself to be functioning, damn it) but that did make me realize:

I am enduring serious, long term, chronic pain. It's unreasonable to expect myself to do as well as I would without this pain. That's just-- too much. I don't know why it's taken this long for me to realize that less than my best is okay, because I'm not at my best.

So in summary, the meeting with my professor was very helpful. She also told me that if I ever need an extension on a paper for her class I could just let her know. She also suggested I talk to the Student Counseling Services. I am, but my therapist moved to Michigan last week and they never called me to schedule me with someone else, so I won't be seeing anyone until next week. : /

I've been feeling a little bit better. Stress and anxiety is coming in bursts, but so are times when I feel like I can sit down and write, enjoy myself and let go. I slept about twelve hours last night (which I sorely needed) and have work from 10pm to midnight today (only time I'm ever taking this shift, to make up for the lack of hours I had last week). Test tomorrow morning. Cross your fingers for me!

ALSO GREAT NEWS: I bought my plane tickets to go see Rae-la around the first of January! I'm so excited! :D :D :D :D
( Sep. 27th, 2011 10:14 pm)
First day of work and another session with my psychologist.

Work went fine. It was composed of answering a couple of basic questions, unjamming a printer, and carrying around loads of paper. Very boring in the last hour, but I read two acts of Measure for Measure, so it was somewhat productive at least.

My session with Janet was... erm.

Well it started out well. We talked about what I'd done in the past week, what I was thinking about. Then we did a guided meditation to help me fight the anxiety. That part was fine. I had a little bit of trouble relaxing and letting go, but I felt a bit better when we'd finished.

The thing was, after that I asked if there was some way she could help me with my self-worth/confidence issues. At which point I cried and cried, and it was a little bit like a dam bursting through. I think I startled Janet, going from mostly-relaxed to weepy. She asked me to start a thought journal to help combat the negative things I think about myself. Because I am awesome. I just-- forget a lot. And have trouble adjusting. I feel like I'm always the oddball out. It's just- augh.

Trying, though.

In the meantime, I've been organizing a bake sale for the quidditch team. We need about $300 more dollars than we got from the student association. :/ Or else we won't be able to go to the World Cup because we lack the proper equipment.
Called the University Counseling Center and set an appointment for next Tuesday. They did the consulatation over the phone and essentially I just babbled for a couple of minutes while the woman on the other end asked occasional questions to clarify. Now my only question is if I should cancel my upcoming appointment with the other psych, or wait and see if I take to this one before I do so. I'm kind of leaning toward cancelling now.

I also made an appointment with my academic advisor to talk about my major(s)! So that's happening next week as well. I have yoga class tonight (first time, due to various circumstances) so it will be interesting to see how that goes. My first paper is due on Wednesday for my Shakespeare class- I have to pick the sonnet we studied that I would most like to be dedicated to me. It's kind of an interesting assignment. I haven't started yet. >.<

Also, I've had the music from Disney's Hercules stuck in my head alllllll day.




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