( Feb. 27th, 2013 08:45 pm)
Hi friends. Long time no update and for that I apologize. If you want to see what I'm reblogging and a couple of tiny fly by updates of my life, you can follow me on tumblr: sebastianmeringue.tumblr.com. Since I'm here and intend to be every so often (because I love you guys and goodness it's nice to make a big long post about myself) I figured I'd give you an update.

Right now I'm in school. I'm looking for a job now and for the summer. I'm looking for a place to live in the summer. I'm looking for a therapist and a place that gives massages that are cheap. I'm going to class, to the chiropractor, to the neurologist, and to the psychiatrist. I'm waiting to hear about my grades from last semester and from a woman I called about an internship. I left a message that made me sound like an idiot, so she probably won't call.

All right, yeah. I'm making this post because I have to write an essay and I'm putting it off. But as you can see, there's a lot going on in my life right now. I went to a job fair and it was kind of horrible. My social anxiety is getting worse, and I'm two weeks off one of my prescriptions that I really really need to get filled tomorrow. Mostly I want to curl up in bed and not get out ever. I intend to do this on Friday at approximately 5:15 (which is enough time after my last class to get home).

Tomorrow I have a paper due and Friday I have a statistics midterm (a class which I have missed the majority of) and a physics quiz (a class that I just suck at in general). Once this week is over I can breath a bit. In two weeks it'll be spring break and I'm going to Seattle to play video games, watch movies, hang out and do nothing productive. I'm rather excited.

I hope you're all doing well. Much love to those whose birthdays I missed, and those I haven't spoken with in a while. I haven't forgotten you, it's just been a bit of a nightmare lately, you know?
( Nov. 24th, 2012 03:53 pm)
Last post I said something about not doubting my major. I'm withdrawing that statement. I've become annoyed and bored with anthropology, tired of studying it and not being able to see why a lot of the subjects we cover matter or what the point of it all is. I miss   English papers. I have no doubt that having such an anthropological background will better inform my work as an English major. This decision has made doing work in my current classes even more difficult and I feel as though I'm constantly struggling.

This struggle is hindered by a deterioration of my general mental well being. Every other day I feel like I'm a small mistake away from a total meltdown. It's exhausting. It's detrimental to my productivity and I am really just sick of feeling badly all the time and hating social interaction. Trying some vitamin supplements that supposedly help with mood swings and trying to take care of myself, but it's difficult when a lot of days I don't want to do anything but sleep, and the thought of doing something makes me cry. On top of this, I have less money available for the rest of the term than I feel comfortable with. Finding energy for school work and freelance jobs is really difficult.

It's not all bad. I've been roleplaying via email with a girl who likes to chat and has been really supportive and helpful in our daily interactions. My parents and two friends are coming to visit next weekend. Today I'm in Cambridge (I paid for a day trip ages back and totally did not want to come. However, here I am. I've holed up in a couple of different cafes and worked on school work, so the day isn't a waste. I've definitely been more productive than I would have been if I stayed home.). I can't wait until the Christmas holidays.
( Oct. 31st, 2012 10:29 pm)
Accidentally stopped being able to function.

So Wednesday is my day off and it's the day I normally catch up on homework. Today needed to be so even more because I have a paper due tomorrow. Except somehow there is this massive pile of stress that just... overwhelmed me. So I ended up sitting at my computer not doing anything for about 2 hours after I woke up. Then I skyped my mother in tears because:

a) Too much laundry to do and the machines are never open.
b) Out of clothes and sanitary napkins.
c) Haven't written paper.
d) Tired. Not sleeping well at all.
e) Sad. Wanting it to be the holidays. Missing home.
f) My halloween cupcakes turned out not to be chocolate and they're actually fruit flavoured. I can't find good plain chocolate baked goods like at home and basically I miss all the food from home especially pizza and pasta.

I have never felt this homesick in my life and it's such a conflicted homesick because I wake up in the middle of the night and think I'm in my bedroom in Sweden sometimes, but at other times I just want to be in the US. I miss my friends so much, two of whom I haven't heard from since Hurricane Sandy made landfall. I know they're probably fine (other people on campus are) but I just am having a lot of trouble. 

My mom's prescription for this was to get online and book me a night at a hotel a little ways off campus. See if they do laundry, she said. Order a pizza online. Stop by the store on the way and pick up essentials (I got pads, diet coke, bread and butter). It's the same hotel we stayed at when we were first in London and they have these huge ice cream sundae things. I might order one yet. I wonder how late the restaurant is open.

No laundry service, but there's a laundry place down the street so I might go there in the morning. Just haven't had the focus to write my paper yet, but I still have eleven and a half hours. I still feel pretty badly, but I brought my Avengers dvd and have a huge soft bed so surely I can cheer myself up, right?
Today I:
  • Went to my lecture and my tutorial, having done the readings and the written assignment.
  • Actually spoke up in the discussion
  • Woke up early and finished a transcription job
  • Applied for other freelance work
  • Worked steadily on a project that's due in a few days
  • Didn't take a nap
  • Confirmed another job and organized my freelance work in a notebook so I can keep track of it.
For reward time I'm going to roleplay and watch the new Supernatural. Then if I feel up to it, I'll tackle tomorrow's written assignment and some more freelance things. Guys, having my life together is actually pretty awesome. I would like some more of this feeling, please.
( Oct. 8th, 2012 09:01 pm)
I do not like this "Being a Real Person" nonsense.

I have to call the bank in the states tomorrow and make sure they have my correct information, find out why I can't access my banking online and make sure that I have money in checking.

Which means I have to go to the phone store tomorrow to top up my card, figure out why I can't send text messages or access the internet on my phone (which I am supposed to be able to do). 

Must also send post cards and when the bank is all sorted, pay for my housing and buy health insurance, Comicon tickets, and any in-Europe travel I want to do. Need to figure out when I can go home after the semester ends and sort out spring and summer jobs/internships.

*huff*
( Oct. 7th, 2012 11:52 am)
Being super organized and productive. Gonna have to start finding the balance between school and enjoying London. The odd bit is that right now is that the balance is almost entirely in favour of school, even though I've been told time and time again that it really doesn't matter what grades I get here, so long as I don't fail.

Still though, this is the first time that I've had classes were I can actively and consciously say "Oh yes, I know what theory they are talking about, as I learned about that in my (fill in the blank) class. It feels like I'm not just taking introductory courses over and over again, where every time they teach you what the scientific method is.

Part of my not taking advantage of London bit is due to my ankle. Right now I can't walk very much without it hurting quite badly, so that means no museums or markets. Not sure what else to do. 
( Sep. 15th, 2012 04:49 pm)
So you probably won't be surprised at all to hear that I'm feeling really anxious. I can't quite call it stressed, because I know everything is taken care of, but I can feel this ball of nerves and anxiety churning in my gut. I know I'll sleep badly for at least the next few days and have hit that point where I just don't know what to do now. Normally I make myself forget something is happening and ignore it until last minute, if I can, but that tactic's not working.

Two suitcases are packed and the third is waiting on laundry. Because we're taking some tiny airline that makes it's own rules, baggage restrictions are much stricter and it will be a miracle if I can get everything to London without having to ditch something like bedding or towels to buy there. I'm already buying pillows. Dad actually has a conference over there, so he's flying out tomorrow morning. Mom and I are going Monday night. Orientation starts on Wednesday, so we're going to chill and do fancy teas, and hopefully relax/move me into the dorm. 

For all that I get overwhelmed by how involved my parents seemt to be in my life, I've reached that point where I've lost some of my confidence that I can do things without them. Everything seems so overwhelming and, even with my medication fully stocked and regularly taken, sometimes I look at what needs doing and just feel paralyzed. 

I'm having nervous thoughts about my birthday again. I'll have had just under a week to meet people who might want to do something with me. I'd rather not spend the day/night alone, but it is in the middle of the week. Should I just mention casually, "Hey, we should hang out because it's my birthday Tuesday?" Nerves, nerves, nerves. On the plus side AVENGERS. I've had to resist buying it here since I don't have a dvd player that will play this region.

Wish me luck everyone?
( Sep. 9th, 2012 02:05 pm)

I rode to the beach today. I brought a picnic blanket and sat on the sand, munching on grapes.

I watched the birds, and the people: young couples, families, children, pets. 

I have never felt more alone.

Do you ever have a time in your life where the circumstances say you ought to be happy, you shouldn't complain, anyone else would enjoy this. And you can't?

( Sep. 3rd, 2012 10:32 am)
A lot has happened recently. We had a housewarming for the apartment on Friday night, which went extraordinarily well. We invited a bunch of people from dad's work and their spouses. It was really interesting because of the international aspect. There was one local Swede who came, but the rest were ex-pats, hailing from the UK, Finland, Australia, Germany, Israel, the US, etc. I had some very interesting conversations and it was nice to be social (as I've still not made any local friends).

Bad news: I didn't fill out my FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) in January and neither did my parents. Which means I've been awarded absolutely zero dollars from the school and owe $10,000 for tuition right now, not even to mention whatever room and board is going to cost in London. My parents are sharing the blame (I needed tax info and we were all distracted around then) but I feel horribly guilty and they're trying to get last minute loans to cover everything. It's just kind of a nightmare.

I closed one of my two US bank accounts last time we were in the states and got a cashier's check for the balance, assuming that I would open an account here when I was granted a person number. This plan went wrong for two reasons: they don't use checks here, and my mother misplaced the check (I gave it to her for safe keeping). So there go all my savings, assuming she doesn't find it, which she swears she will.

On top of this, I have enough anti-depressants to cover less than the next week and no health insurance. D: Someone on one of the forums mom goes to said that as long as they are residents and have person numbers, I should be fine visiting a doctor here. As my residency has not gone through because the relocation people didn't fill out the paperwork (they thought it would be illegal because I would be "registered" in the US and Sweden at the same time? Which is not really a thing), I'm uninsured and kind of without an address and it's all very weird and awkward.

Depression hasn't been very good lately. Mood swings, lethargy... I'm having trouble being motivated to even just get up and get dressed during the day. I know it will get better in London, just having something to get up for will be helpful, but in the meantime I'm having trouble. I leave for London September 17th (my sister's birthday, actually). Everyone I know has started classes already and I miss my friends from school terribly. 

Watched a load of HIMYM last night. Somehting that Robin said stuck in my mind as she was talking to Kevin, about why does she try so hard to find reasons to be unhappy. Sometimes I think I'm the same way, and then at other times I'm reminded of a quote I found recently about depression (stolen from tumblr): depression is like trying to peel a potato with another potato its not fun it doesnt work and you just wanna cry.
Not much new to say, but I did make another video. This one's mostly me rambling. Some interesting footage.

Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Xd8CCxlf7YM
( Jun. 17th, 2012 12:03 am)
Internet access is spotty, but we have our apartment and phones. Stressful couple of days and it might not get better, but at least I have a bed and things. I have The Hounds of the D'urbervilles and Game of Thrones on my bookshelf to read and a whole city to explore. Still waiting on most of our things.

I made a video, if you want to check out how day one went. I'm going to keep a sort of video diary. Find the link below. :D

Sweden: Day One!
( Mar. 20th, 2012 03:17 pm)
Spring break was a fabulous week full of sleeping, reading, writing and crocheting. I wrote over 10,000 words last week. I bought a bunch of yarn and started to crochet a hippo, which is about half finished at this point. I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do this week, but I'm pushing through. I had an interview to work at commencement today, which went well.

When I was on the bus home I received an email notification of a package that had arrived for me at the dorm. I didn't actually get to it until yesterday and-- hooray! My package from [livejournal.com profile] jolena came and it was filled with absolutely lovely, thoughtful things. Chocolate, two skeins of fuzzy wonderful yarn, and several neat charms! :D 

On top of this good news, I just received confirmation of my acceptance to University College London in the fall! Ahhhhh! I'm so psyched. We should find out about Sweden this week and I might apply to a week long program on Gender and Conflict in Ireland. If I'm already in Sweden for the summer, the cost for travel would be much cheaper than from the US.

For now, I have a paper to write and a book on India, Hinduism, and Sexuality to read (which is very dense and I'm not well informed on the background, but still interesting, if long).
( Mar. 8th, 2012 12:08 pm)
My train of thought the past couple of days:

MINECRAFTMINECRAFTMINECRAFT-- OH GOD A SKELETON, I'm DEAD-- Maybe I should study for my midterms? OH GOD I'M GOING TO FAIL -- I've studied for two hours, better take a twenty minute break -- TWO HOURS LATER: I can't find any cows. But my house is looking good. I found a set of caverns, better explore. -- GOTTA SLEEP MIDTERMS TOMORROW.

(The next day)

I feel refreshed and ready to take my exam! -- What's on tumblr? -- EXAM! -- Oh god I hope I didn't fail that. To cheer myself up, I'll play minecraft. -- MINECRAFT -- I should probably study for my next test. It's in two hours. I'll study an hour before. -- AN HOUR LATER-- I've spent so much time on Mincraft, I feel bad. I'll go on tumblr and the kinkmeme instead! Besides, I'm probably prepared enough for that test. -- EXAM.

...I'm not proud of this, but I am totally psyched that I grew a giant mushroom in my front yard. I'm thinking about making some armor next, but I need to find some stronger materials. 

I knew buying minecraft two days before all my midterms was a bad idea. But at least I can play it forever over break!
( Jan. 22nd, 2012 10:08 pm)
New semester began last Tuesday and everything has been a rush since classes started. I'm only taking 13 credit hours (12 is minimum, 15 average), but it's been a bloody emotional mess.

Good news: no roommate, so I got to spread all my stuff out. I can take a nap without worrying about someone suddenly walking in on me, and I can keep the room whatever temperature I want. I also only spent about $30 on books this semester, rather than the usual couple of hundred. Classes are generally going well, but are pretty demanding time-wise. 

There's not really any actual bad news. Just. Me being emotionally inept confused.

Predictably, this story starts with, "So there's this guy..." )
( Nov. 2nd, 2011 05:50 pm)
Swing: Up

I have work in 15 minutes, but I thought I'd give you guys a quick update.

NaNoWriMo is going swimmingly so far. I decided to commit this year in an attempt to get myself back into the habit of doing something that I love every day. I haven't done much writing at all since this migraine came on and I've really regretted it. Here's to hoping this helps improve my mood. It has so far!

On a related note, if anyone has any word goals for November and are interested in joining the community I made last year, head over to [livejournal.com profile] nano_haven. It's intended to be smaller than most of the LJ NaNoWriMo communities, so that we can all get to know one another and support everyone.

I signed up for the cd swap on the nanowrimo website and might be floating a care package idea on [livejournal.com profile] nano_haven, if anyone's interested. Because you all know how much I love mail.

Aside from that, everything's going pretty well. I had a lot of pain yesterday, but a good day today. I'm behind on all my LJ posts, but I love you all and I'm thinking of you.

I decided, since I've regained all the weight I lost over the summer, that I would also make November No Junk Food month. So for a month I'm trying to give up sweets, cake, cookies, pie, ice cream, non-diet soda, and fried things. Day two is going pretty well. I have a fridge full of fresh veggies and good friends supporting me. And when I say I'm doing this for a month, I mean until Thanksgiving. I will be eating loads of crap then. :D

AND: Skimbli you are the best for the pompom spider. I hope you're doing alright, dearest.
( Oct. 30th, 2011 01:00 am)
Swing: middle

I'm starting to realize that things come in up swings and down swings. Today was mostly up, but it's descending as the night wears on. So I've decided to try and keep track (when I remember) so that I can label my posts. This way maybe you guys can tell how much the narrator is affecting the story.

Midsummer Night's Dream went on this weekend, with myself playing the role of Sound Techie and my friend playing Light Techie. Rachel directed and I knew a few of the cast. One from German class and the other from work (though he has a different shift, sometimes we see one another).

Beneath which there is a play, uncomfortable chancing, and possible romantic interest. )
( Oct. 21st, 2011 08:51 am)
I made a list (and it's Friday) so I'm feeling slightly less overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of things I have to do for school. Still have papers and exams to worry about, but I'm doing my best to take a legitimate break right now (not just one where I worry about how much I have to do, procrastinate and stress until my 'break' is over).

I checked my mail yesterday and it was full of wonderful things! :D The first was a birthday gift from Rae-la, consisting of a wonderful letter and a handmade necklace. The charm on the necklace is made from a scrabble tile base and the other side says "Keep Calm And Make Things". This is the most thoughtful gift I've ever received and I can't wait until I can thank her in person!

SECONDLY, I received my ticket to the Quidditch World Cup 2011 Championships in NYC. Unfortunately, due to how monstrously busy I am, I've decided I can't afford to make a day trip out to NYC this fall. Which means I am looking for anyone, who knows anyone, who knows anyone who might like a free ticket to the championships.

The date is for November 12th and I will mail it to anyone who wants it-- if you can spread the word or ask around, I would be very grateful. Someone should get to go, even if I can't!

Finally, a health update: my head hurts (surprise!). I was supposed to go to the neurologist yesterday, but the information the insurance people gave me was false and my referral from the ER did not count as a referral (for some reason, augh, idk). This led to me trying to get my primary care physician to fax one over, and her people demanding to know if the doctor was in network with my insurance (idk!). So, in summary, I had to reschedule, have to sort all of that out, and might not get to see anyone until December 1st. D:

In the mean time my new therapist gave me stuff to read! And had Ender's Game and Middlesex on his bookshelf. So hopefully we will get along pretty well.
( Oct. 18th, 2011 09:16 pm)
Will make a proper post when I have a handle of days in which I don't have a major paper, midterm exam, large assignment, or bake sale to manage/bake for. *checks calendar* So erm. After the 24th. >.< (Or unless I need a major break before then and find time for it.)

Life is hectic, hectic, busy and I will be gradually catching up comments when I can. First day of the bake sale got us nearly $150 dollars (which is $100 more than I was expecting) and led to frantic, last minute baking so we could have stuff to sell tomorrow. Shakespeare midterm tomorrow, speaking assignment for German, new therapist and work.

Also I still haven't been sleeping well. :/ Actually resorted to a coffee-like (espresso) drink today and it was both gross and ineffective.
( Sep. 8th, 2011 04:01 pm)
Despite my being overwhelmed four days ago, I'm feeling pretty good about how things are progressing. I had three classes today, and have two tomorrow (the week slows down as it ends. Tomorrow is a BioAnth lab and Irish lit). Tonight is the first film for the new Disney Movie club, which was created by some of my friends and we're watching Lion King. I'm rather excited for that.

Also, thanks (I like to think) to my efforts advertising at the Student Org fair, on Tuesday at Scrabble club we had SIX boards going. Six! That's four or five more than we usually have on the average Tuesday night! I'm thrilled! I hope the turnout is similar for Quidditch on Saturday.

In the meantime I'm experiencing some anxiety about my appointment with a therapist tomorrow. She seems nice-- as far as I can tell from our brief email exchanges and her website-- but I just. You know. Meeting new people, going new places, confronting my fears, my anxiety and the parts about my mind I don't like and am not sure I can change? It's scary. I'm scared. I'm also annoyed that I'm scared- that I get so nervous about an experience like this, which I signed up for, which I could stop at any time. It's that vulnerability of saying that I'm going and the shame (?) that comes with announcing I have issues that I need help working out. Maybe it's not shame. Maybe I'm just afraid that seeing her will actually make my issues seem more real. Because I've been dealing all my life under the pretense that I was fine and now-- I'm nervous about going to someone whose job it is to tell me that I'm not, really. Even if they also tell me how I can improve myself.

So-- cue conflicted feelings and nervousness. It's just a consultation (idk what the difference between that and a session is, but we'll see, I guess) and I will most definitely be posting more about it later on.
( Sep. 4th, 2011 08:08 pm)
First week of classes has concluded. It was generally a success, though I think I may have alienated my Shakespeare professor by saying the sonnet was not my favorite form. Luckily yesterday I went to see a free performance of Julius Caesar by one of the best Shakespeare companies in the US. They do one free show a year-- usually tickets cost up to $50-- and I'm incredibly lucky that one of my friends turned me on to the opportunity to see a show for free. We had to wait in line for a couple of hours beforehand, but it was definitely worth it. Second row seats!

Right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to do too much, I haven't adjusted, or I'm thinking too much (that happens around this time of the month). I'm searching for a job and have a couple of leads and things to do to follow up. I attended church this morning with a friend of mine and intend to join their choir (they meet Sunday mornings and give scholarships to students-- $40 every time you come sing!). Qudditch has got a load of new recruits and will be meeting next Saturday-- I'm officially the vice president of the Qudditch E-Board. Scrabble Club is happening. I tabled at the student org fair and we doubled the size of our listserve. I'm having lunch with Catherine on Tuesday as well as meeting with an old professor of mine. My consultation with the therapist is onFriday and my friends and I are attending a showing of Farenheit 451 on Saturday.

It's just-- a lot. Such a big difference from being at home and not doing anything for most of the day.I haven't written anything in ages, and haven't had much time to read (though I recently started Ender's Game, DeathNote, and The Unusul Life of Tristan Smith-- progress is slow). My head hurts and I'm dealing with a bit of a cold/sinus pressure. Generally all the things I listed above are good, I just-- there's a lot going on. I guess it'll take some adjustment.

I have nothing at all scheduled for tomorrow at all, so I can catch up on homework and sleep. I took an unintentionally long (2.5 hours!) nap this evening and am feeling kinda groggy. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
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